Lies and Past

We are never satisfied! It's the simple, horrible, awkward reality! We don't know what we want, we forget what happened to us for 3 years just for a conversation. But I remember what I want, or I think so.

We always forget why our failed relationship didn't work out, cause we need some hope, the hope that one day, somewhere a better person is going to come in our life and be the perfect match for all our necessity. Maybe this is naive, and idealistic (probably is not going to work) but we need to believe! Some mornings I wake up and I just hate everything in my live, those mornings where you look awful, nothing suits you, you face is a mess, and you want to bite everything breathes. However, you jump in some nice shoes, you wear a pretty dress, a bit of make up, because "Who knows who am I gonna see today!". Here it is the HOPE, of a sudden, incredible event. Remembering why your ex was a bastard, or why he cheated on you won't help you trusting people; so our brain is genetically created to forget bad experiences.

I want what everyone wants: be happy! Am I happy now? No. Can he make me happy...HELL NO! So why do we even spend time thinking about "might, should, could, possibly.." Is not going to work, and we have tons of examples telling us why this is wrong. But still we fall in our "memory corner" and we want to live that little spot of sun once more, just to feel warm again. Then we come back.

People don't change! They can sound smart, and if they are a little bit they can make you believe what they want. With me this is pretty easy, cause I choose on purpose to say always what I think, in the way I think it; so I believe, unaware, that everyone does the same. As a result when a guy sounds intriguing and says what you want to hear, I actually believe he is what he sounds. Than I watch a movie, I listen to some music and all the glitters falls from my eyes and I actually see that he is not! As I go through my days looking amazing and feeling shit, then most people does the same, and the funny bit is that I still believe in love. How is it possible?

I still believe that a random guy one day is gonna come in my life and make it better. But what I want from a man is too much, too hard to find: a deep intellectual connection which can make all your believes explode in the air, and upside down your world; the one who inspires you, who knows how to play your music, and make love with all your dreams. How the f**k am I going to find this? I'm not sure I've ever been in love, cause I felt lonely and misunderstood all the days of my life! At the end we don't need brilliant, extraordinary people...we need just the one who knows who you are, and loves you anyway.

How hard is to see the person who you believed you would merry one day turn in everything you hate?

Not as much as his own caricature. Lies, lies, lies. Give me a man who can tell the truth and I'll start.

Simple (but hard) Questions

So I'm single, an inevitable condition if the things are not working with your partner. I'm fine with it, cause we reached a state it was just pointless keep on with this strange relationship. I was ready, for the past 2 years it  was a complete mess, we were simply trying hard to make things work...which we didn't manage well, apparently.

Anyway I had a really good conversation with an old colleague of mine yesterday night, and between a beer, a chat, questions and loughs, I understood what type of person I was, and what type of person I want to be in future. More creative (I want to start singing again, to paint more, to write more..), self conscious, aware of my weakness, my value, but not only..what I really mean is..MORE OF EVERYTHING. Why do we live our lives in such a lazy and meaningless way? Why did we stop questioning ourselves? During all yesterday night I had this question in my mind: "Then who are you?". Who are we? And so...who am I? This may sound really stupid, cause is the oldest, the most questioned interrogative, but I realized I don't have the answer!

Am I an artist? Or maybe a future manager? Am I a dreamer? Probably a bit of everything. But maybe the point is, are we what we do? Cause I've always hated the conventional way of living: you born, you start speaking and walking, you go to school, if you want to uni, then work, marriage, kids, death. Who decided that this is the normality? Am I not conformed to this world? If we are what we do, than we are alienated, bored, standardized, a gray mass of shapeless smoke. And maybe is just my problem, but I can't live this way any longer. I'm not going to be an extremist freak, alone on a mountain, but I want to change direction, to change point of view. We need to think more, to ask, to be curious and interested; this is the right way of living, cause it gives color to the smoke, it gives spice, and our brain is happier.

I've always been alone in my mind, nobody had the license to come inside it and see what there is there. So I was alone also in all the other aspects, although I had friends and people close to me, I've always thought they would never understand me. Some said I simply have to accept people the way they are and stop having all this expectations. I'm sorry but I think I have to disagree! If you don't have expectations, how  f**k do you live?!? Example: you wake up in the morning, without expecting the sun to be in the sky, or the milk still in the fridge, simply wanting to have a nice day is an expectation! And when it comes to people you NEED to have expectations, cause is the reason why you talk to people. We would never talk to an idiot, knowing in advance that he is an idiot. Why? Well not because we're racist...but because we can talk with a clever person, share ideas and improve ourselves.

But I've spent so much time avoiding idiots, that now my brain is convinced this is the dominant life form of the planet. 

Let's sum up

What a year: lots of changes and things to tell! They always say "it seemed yesterday" when a dream begins, and this time it's really true. It seemed yesterday when I got on the plane and I came to London to start breathing again, to live, to hope. Unfortunately great dreams rhymes with great deals (not really, but whatever!), so I had to take difficult decisions and to make countless sacrifices, but now I'm starting to see the sun again.

Going through courses, moving, different houses, experiences, old people left in the past and new people at the door waiting for me, I was able to learn English and enroll for college. How? With the support of my family, my willpower, and the people I was surrounded by.

Italy has always been hostile for me, a place where peers did not understand me and I accepted it. Escape seems easy and convenient when you feel an alien in your own city, yet life can surprise you, overwhelm you with so quick and rapid changes to be almost imperceptible. I can't believe how many people I shook hands and said goodbye to, and all the friends who have helped me to explore this city, and me.

I thought the world would always exclude me, maybe cause I was the first to call me out, but now, thanks to London, to this incredible cosmopolitan, vital, eclectic place, I can play my game as a striker. I stopped to defend myself.

So what changed? Maybe nothing, maybe everything, but certainly my perception of things, and then I would try to bring a bit of it on the blank pages of this blog.

English Version

After almost two years in London, I really want to try to write in English and translate my Italian's blog posts. Is going to be hard, and a really long work, but I feel enough confident to do this.

So here you find the link for "Vita di una Londinese": http://theirisspace.blogspot.co.uk/ 

and hope you are going to like my posts, in all the languages!